“If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You”
“If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You” (114 min, Rated R for language, some drug use and bloody images) 7 out of 10
With the flurry of films being released since late October and throughout November to qualify for awards consideration, nationally, but in Chicago as well (December 8th cutoff), one film that got lost in the shuffle, “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You,” deserves a full review. Unsure of what impact this small film might have during the awards season is uncertain, but it could be a major player in the Best Actress category with Rose Byrne poised to continue her winning streak into 2026.
And that’s great. I as well as many fellow Chicago film critics selected her as Best Actress of the Year to go with her wins in New York and Los Angeles. And she’s been popping up everywhere as the odds-on-favorite to win the Golden Globe and perhaps the Critic’s Choice, SAG and Oscar, which won’t take place until early next year. However, behind her surprisingly stellar performance is one of the odder films, which in hindsight provided her with the kind of eccentric material to utilize her talent not just as a gifted comic actress, but a fine dramatic actress as well.
As I noted, the story is odd if not confoundingly odd about a middle-aged woman doing her best without a safety net or support from family or friends taking care of her 12-yr old daughter who is suffering from a genetic “feeding disorder.” Linda (Byrne) is incessantly availed-upon by her demanding daughter (face and name withheld) to tend to her every need. High maintenance doesn’t even come close to managing this youngster’s fits, rants and rages over everything imaginable – and the stress is taking its toll on Linda’s fragile mental instability. This brief description gives you an inkling required of Byrne’s emotional performance – and she’s stunning.
As a psychoanalyst herself, and with her insensitive, clueless husband (Christian Slater) always away on long business trips, she asks one of her colleagues (Conan O’Brien) for counseling help. But the character written for O’Brien merely requires him to stare blankly at her and offer no sincere professional advice, sick-and-tired of her moaning and complaining. This only makes Linda that more fit-to-be-tied – and after requiring her to move out of her apartment due to a huge water leak, her only recourse is to resort to taking drugs and drinking. This only exacerbates the problem.
When her husband finally returns, he’s befuddled to find her to be an emotional wreck, the daughter on life-support, damage in their apartment from the unfixed leak, all of which drives Linda to try and commit suicide, which she fails at. And what’s next for her? Where can this poor woman turn to? This is the trapped, frazzled, suffocating condition we find Linda in…stuck in a labyrinth with no way out…falling apart at the seams…looking for answers when there are none.
This is a juicy role for any actress to run with, giving her the freedom to experiment outside the box and expand on it in any number of directions. It’s the kind of script that only comes around once-in-a-while, and first-time writer-director Mary Bronstein nearly knocks it out of the park only failing to bring it full circle with a reasonable, perhaps plausible and coherent, ending. That’s the frustrating part in which Byrne gives a 10 performance – but only in a 7 film. However, that alone is enough to see this film, which as challenging as it is, should become more accessible as the awards season marches into next year and closer to Oscar gold. Keep a lookout for this one.
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